Piggysnoot

The Christmas 2008 Edition of Confidential

Confidential to the Arsehole at the Bank: They are collecting gifts for children and adults that live in our community who are “less fortunate” as the sign said. The suggestions listed at the bottom were intended to give people an idea of what was needed. Your scoffing (and loudly snorting) at the idea that they need hair conditioner was completely out of line. To exclaim, “What do they need conditioner for?!” as if it’s a luxury that you weren’t interested in funding, just made you look like a callous jerk.

Confidential to the lady at Bob Evans: Saying that you can “barely afford to buy gifts for [your] own brats let alone someone else’s”, upon seeing the giving tree was totally not cool. Maybe your kids wouldn’t be brats if you spent less time bitching at them and more time teaching them how to behave. Also, how much did that lunch set you back? I’m guessing at least $20. Which means I’m guessing you could have bought something for someone who is less fortunate than you are. Or at the very least you could have kept your mouth shut about it.

Confidential to the lady at Walgreens: Huffing and puffing that I was cutting in line in front of you was a little over the top, don’t you think? I mean, I would have known you were in line if you were…well…in line. Instead you were casually browsing the last minute gifts and standing about 15 feet away from the last person in line. When I realized you were ahead of me, I let you go first. You were buying a dozen eggs and some pantyliners. Perhaps your period was to blame. Merry freaking Christmas.

Confidential to every single customer that waited until the day before Christmas Eve to get your tires replaced and then got pissed off that the wait was over an hour: CHRISTMAS IS THE SAME TIME EVERY YEAR. PLAN AHEAD. COME IN EARLIER IN THE MONTH. Or, hey, get crazy and get your tires replaced in November. At any rate, don’t wait until the freaking last minute and bitch at me because the wait is too long. You procrastinated. Not me.

Confidential to my neighbors: Whichever of you called the owners of our delightful little trailer park to complain that our garbage can is not “taken in in a timely manner”: SCREW YOU. Who are you people? You would waste a long distance call (four states away) to complain that the garbage can is at the curb the day after garbage pickup?! How sad that you have nothing better to do. The thought never occurred to me to call and complain when your dogs bark before daylight…but perhaps I better get them on speed dial. I’m glad I didn’t take any of you bastards any Christmas cookies. That would’ve pissed me off.