The Christmas 2008 Edition of Confidential
Confidential to the Arsehole at the Bank: They are collecting gifts for children and adults that live in our community who are “less fortunate” as the sign said. The suggestions listed at the bottom were intended to give people an idea of what was needed. Your scoffing (and loudly snorting) at the idea that they need hair conditioner was completely out of line. To exclaim, “What do they need conditioner for?!” as if it’s a luxury that you weren’t interested in funding, just made you look like a callous jerk.
Confidential to the lady at Bob Evans: Saying that you can “barely afford to buy gifts for [your] own brats let alone someone else’s”, upon seeing the giving tree was totally not cool. Maybe your kids wouldn’t be brats if you spent less time bitching at them and more time teaching them how to behave. Also, how much did that lunch set you back? I’m guessing at least $20. Which means I’m guessing you could have bought something for someone who is less fortunate than you are. Or at the very least you could have kept your mouth shut about it.
Confidential to the lady at Walgreens: Huffing and puffing that I was cutting in line in front of you was a little over the top, don’t you think? I mean, I would have known you were in line if you were…well…in line. Instead you were casually browsing the last minute gifts and standing about 15 feet away from the last person in line. When I realized you were ahead of me, I let you go first. You were buying a dozen eggs and some pantyliners. Perhaps your period was to blame. Merry freaking Christmas.
Confidential to every single customer that waited until the day before Christmas Eve to get your tires replaced and then got pissed off that the wait was over an hour: CHRISTMAS IS THE SAME TIME EVERY YEAR. PLAN AHEAD. COME IN EARLIER IN THE MONTH. Or, hey, get crazy and get your tires replaced in November. At any rate, don’t wait until the freaking last minute and bitch at me because the wait is too long. You procrastinated. Not me.
Confidential to my neighbors: Whichever of you called the owners of our delightful little trailer park to complain that our garbage can is not “taken in in a timely manner”: SCREW YOU. Who are you people? You would waste a long distance call (four states away) to complain that the garbage can is at the curb the day after garbage pickup?! How sad that you have nothing better to do. The thought never occurred to me to call and complain when your dogs bark before daylight…but perhaps I better get them on speed dial. I’m glad I didn’t take any of you bastards any Christmas cookies. That would’ve pissed me off.
We made it through all of the Christmas/Christmas Eve festivities. Nora made out like a little bandit (and to think her birthday is now only a week away). She had a great time going to all the ‘grammas’ houses and playing with all of her little cousins. Yesterday morning, in typical toddler fashion, she was more interested in playing in the box that Larry’s new computer chair came in. She loved her guineas (guinea pigs that is…as in two of them). We haven’t named them yet but she keeps calling one of them Oinky so that may end up being one of their names.
On to more important things…like the presents I got! I ended up making out like quite the bandit myself. I got a Nikon D40 from the huz. It takes awesomely awesome pictures and I haven’t yet even figured out much past the point and click starter sheet instructions. The book that came with it is about the size of a college textbook! My parents gave me an assortment of coolness. I got a new sewing machine (that for the love of God does buttonholes), a high heel shoe calendar, some ramekins (and inside joke between me and my mom…everyone else in the room looked completely confused), a pair of jeans (that I had pre-tried on during a previous shopping excursion with my mom), and other greatness. Luckily we got cash from both of our grandparents because our microwave has been not working…so I am appliance shopping tonight…and couldn’t be happier!
By far the best gift I received yesterday (no offense to anyone who bought me anything) was actually the joy I brought to my Grandfather with the gift I gave to him. You see my Grandpa is impossible to buy for. He has what he wants and needs and if he doesn’t, he can just go get it. This year I gave him something that touched him so much it brought tears to his eyes (and consequently everyone else’s in the room). Sharing the moment that we did later that night was the best gift of all. I can’t tell you the last time we said we love each other. That was the most special present I received.
Me: Nora, where are you going?
Her: To KMart.
I guess she had some last minute Christmas shopping to do…
My Dearest Nora,
You love ketchup. Like ridiculously love it. If you could drink it with a straw I think you would. Some of the less conventional items I have seen you put ketchup on, are:
grilled cheese
pancakes
macaroni and cheese
mandarin oranges
apple slices
See what I mean? You really love ketchup. I don’t mind though. ‘Cause if you’re eating mandarin oranges with ketchup it means that you are at least eating a fruit that day. You don’t have cookies or candy everyday, but you do have ketchup everyday. For now it works. I may have to draw the line one day at ketchup covered ice cream.
Love,
Mommy
and other assorted Nora funnies…
*****
Overheard on the monitor this morning:
(the worlds loudest ripping fart)
Nora: Hhhhhhoooooonnnnnnnnnkkkkkk. Toot toot! (giggle giggle)
*****
While perusing my stretch mark laden belly:
Nora: Momma has a squiggly line. They everywhere.
*****
Nora: Uncle Kyle in bed. He still sleeping. He’s a laaaaazzzy bones.
*****
Last night on her way to bed:
Nora: Good night Pixel! See you in the morning. You haffa go take a nap, too!
*****
While scolding three strangers (little boys) at Walmart who were arguing over who was going to ride the horsey first:
Nora: Hey! Hey! You haffa wait you turn!
*****
Nora doing her very best Rockette impression while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade:
Nora on YouTube getting her Rockette on.
I know the posting dropped off in the middle of the vegan month. I was incredibly busy at work…and then getting ready for Thanksgiving…and still busy at work…and then shopping for Christmas gifts. Plus our Relay for Life team sold (and baked and frosted and delivered) over 75 pumpkin rolls. And since I wasn’t quite busy enough I decided to go ahead and paint the living room before we put up the Christmas tree. Cause you know, I work better under pressure. While I had full intentions of posting every single day in November, things just didn’t work out that way.
Larry and I made it through Thanksgiving being vegan. We were discussing that it was our first Thanksgiving since we were babies that we didn’t have turkey. We did have a Tofurkey. It was delicious. It also contained no animal suffering, murder, cruelty, and/or any other bad karma. Thanksgiving this year required a tad bit of planning since we had to bring our own ‘dinner’ to dinner. But it was less planning than when Nora was a baby and we had to bring a full diaper bag along with nursing pads and a change of clothes for both of us. My grandma made vegan pie crust so that Larry and I could partake in pie at her house. This was the most thoughtful thing that anyone did for us on Thanksgiving. Something so simple, yet very much appreciated. Since neither of us had any desserts at Larry’s family get together (all eggs, milk, and cheese) we pigged out and had two pieces of apple pie…each.
The month of November went so well vegan-wise that we have decided to make this a permanent change. A new way of life. It has not been without challenges, but they have been minimal. The rewards (better energy, weight loss, feeling healthy, and being a good example to Nora) far outweigh the little challenges (like really really really wanting a Mrs. Fields cookie at the mall). We are learning more about what is in the food we eat, and in some cases food we used to eat. We are more conscientious of what we put into our bodies. We are enjoying the way we feel. Best of all, we are not deprived. We eat cake, cookies, fries, (veggie) burgers, (soy) ice cream, (cheese-less) pizza, and (vegan) chocolates. I have yet to find a good cheese substitute, but I haven’t given up yet either.
Another decision we made in November was regarding Nora. She no longer eats meat. She was (very very rarely) eating meat. Pepperoni, turkey sausage, chicken with broccoli. Towards the end of the month we decided that if the reasons we aren’t eating meat are important enough for us to abstain, then they are important enough for her to as well. We don’t eat meat because it does nothing to benefit us. It’s just not good for you. There is nothing in meat that you can’t get somewhere else. There are huge amounts of hormones in meat. There are much better things a person can eat. Also there is a huge amount of animal cruelty involved in factory farms (where the vast majority of meat you see in the supermarket comes from). If we know she has nothing to gain by eating meat, then why were we allowing her to eat it ocassionally? At first it was because we didn’t want her to be (or feel) deprived. It was our decision to be vegan. We didn’t want to unfairly subject (for lack of a better word) her to a vegan diet. But we came to realize that she was already very close to being vegan. She drinks soy milk and has never had cows milk. She loves yogurt but we very easily switched her to soy. She does like (and still eat) cheese…like mac and cheese and grilled cheese. Since I have yet to find a cheese substitute that I like, I am unwilling to force her to only have soy cheese. She is getting much less hormones and antibiotics now just by switching her yogurt and cutting back the amount of cheese she has. So why let her eat meat just because it’s Thanksgiving and there’s a turkey? Or just because the chinese restaurant has pepperoni pizza that she loves? She chows down the pizza just as quickly with the pepperoni picked off as she did when it was on. She doesn’t miss it. She’s not going to feel deprived of something she’s never really liked or eaten much of anyways. We know she gets all the vitamins and minerals she needs, and we know she is healthy. And that’s good enough for us.
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