Note to the waitress we had for lunch today: Your tip sucked because you did. You managed to get the drink refills…but left the empty glasses. You managed to get our food out in a decent amount of time…but the time it took you to bring three desserts was equal to the amount of time it took me to deliver Nora. In fact, I might have delivered Nora in less time than it took you to bring the dessert. We would have cancelled the dessert orders…had you shown your face within 45 miles of our table. The time it took you to bring our checks was closer to the amount of time it takes to paint a house. Supposedly it was due to the fact that you had to split them. However, I’ve been to restaurants before…splitting checks is pretty common. Not sure what the hold up was with that. My guess? You were using an abacus. Which you first had to locate in a nearby antiques shoppe. My bill was $9.92. I considered rounding it to an even ten so that it would be easier to remember. Plus I thought it would be a total pain in the ass for your establishment to take an eight cent tip off of a credit card. I also thought it would make a nice blog post for you…if you have a blog. I can see the title now…One Time This Bitch Left Me an Eight Cent Tip. To save you that embarrassment (and blogging material) I left none. I don’t usually do that. I’m generally pretty understanding. But, really…the service was that bad.
Monthly Archive for June, 2008
Sometimes she’s in her high chair to keep her squirmy ass in one place for longer than 45 seconds. The actual title for this post should be Color Wonder Markers, How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways. But that was far too long.
The Color Wonder products? Pure freaking genius. Fantastically fantastical, I say.
Nora has only recently began to show an interest in coloring with crayons and markers. You know, as opposed to eating them. Apparently sometimes a girl just needs her daily dose of Burnt Sienna.
The extra awesome thing about Color Wonder Markers? It matters not if she eats them! They only work on the special paper. Good thing…because I’d have a hard time explaining why the 17 month old baby is sporting purple teeth.
My most recent finding is the printable pages on nickjr. Now she can color Gab-Gah! Gab-Gah! (Yo Gabba Gabba!) all day. She does this while I watch soap operas and polish my nails.
I particularly enjoy the level of concentration involved. I’ve never seen a more serious colorer. She loves to draw eyes. You can tell by the way she yells Eye! Eye! while crushing the end of the marker on the paper with triumph.
Her favorite color, by far, is Geen!, but Yo! is a close second. When she’s all finished she happliy exclaims Peeety! (pretty) and waits for the big to-do that is made of hanging the masterpiece on the fridge. However, after having to use photoshop to remove the dirty fingerprints from the wall behind her…I’m thinking we need to start hanging them there!
A translation of the conversation Nora had with an unknown caller this afternoon, on the Elmo Remote:
Ho! Ho! (Hello)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Mmbuh Mmumba (incoherent toddlerspeak)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I So I So (I’m so I’m so sorry)
SNAP! (The closing of the phone)
I’m not sure what the caller had to say…but it didn’t sound like good news. I especially like the way she offered her condolences (she learned this on Yo Gabba Gabba) and immediately snapped the phone closed. Kind of as if to say, “I’m sorry to hear that. I got shit to do. See ya!”
Today we had sweet corn. Do you think Nora was happy with eating the corn I shaved off the cob for her? Hell-to-the-no she wasn’t. We figured this out by the way she flipped her plate onto the floor. This made the dog extremely happy. Us? Not so much. After much pointing at Larry’s plate and a few babbles in his general direction we figured out that she was asking for a bite. Why didn’t I think of that? ‘Bie‘ totally sounds like toddlerspeak for bite. Do you think she wanted to take a bite while one of us held the cob for her? Again, hell-to-the-no she didn’t. She wanted a buttery, peppery, kernelly chin. Yeah, I made up kernelly…but you knew what I meant, didn’t you?
And so, I bring you, without further delay…Nora’s first shot at eating corn on the cob…A Photo Essay…
This one cracked me up because she almost seems afraid of the cob. The raised eyebrows seem to question what it is that she is biting into. Or maybe she’s questioning the fact that both her parents are laughing while her Father is wielding a camera.
I admire the extreme concentration. This corn on the cob business is serious stuff. This is obviously not a privilege to be taken lightly.
Are you guys sure I can eat this?! And why are you still laughing?!?
I am tentatively enjoying this corn. That I am feeding myself. Without you.
Up next? Chicken on the bone!*
*That was totally a joke. We don’t even buy chicken on the bone. It reminds Larry too much that his chicken used to be alive. And that it had little chicken friends that it’ll never see again.
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