Piggysnoot

1) It is possible for Nora to sleep sprawled out in my Mom’s lap…on an airplane where there are five hundred thousand people to make goofy faces at.

2) It is not possible for me to sleep on an airplane because I can’t stop thinking that we’re going to crash.

3) My aunt’s friend’s boyfriend masturbates everyday in the shower.

4) There is nothing more fantastic than hearing a squeal of pure joy come from my daughter’s mouth as she’s flying down the hills of San Francisco, in her Dora stroller, with her arms spread out like airplane wings…just catching the breeze.

5) It is possible and completely acceptable to eat lunch everyday at La Canasta, the world’s best Mexican take out restaurant. Really, those burritos are the only reason I would risk my life boarding an airplane.

6) An informal poll at my birthday party found that four out of six women pee in the shower. Speculation is that the other two were probably not telling the truth.

7) Another informal poll (that was conducted after Grandma went to bed) found that the majority of men do not prefer “hairy muffs”…even though that same poll revealed that a few women in the room were falsely under the impression that they do.

8) Going pee after a bikini wax hurts a million times more than the entire waxing procedure.

9) It is impossible to discuss your bikini wax in front of your Grandmother without feeling a little strange.

10) It is possible to wake a nine-month-old baby by rustling the covers on the bed that is in the room you’re sharing with her. But she will, apparently, not wake up when six women in the house are laughing and carrying on about bikini waxes and peeing in the shower.

11) During a phone conversation with someone over 2000 miles away, one can hear the embarrassment of a husband who has forgotten that it’s his wife’s birthday.

12) A grown man can sit on a bench, dressed like any other normal grown man in a flannel shirt and jeans, with perfectly manicured…red polished…fingernails. And the only people who will look at him funny are the mid-western tourists. One of those tourists might even secretly snap his picture.