Piggysnoot

Here you have part two of “Courtney’s Plan to Make the Olympics More Dangerous” and by proxy, more interesting. If you missed part one, you’ll want to read that first for a more in depth explanation as to what sparked these fabulous ideas.

Groin Shot Curling. I thought curling could use a little excitement, so here you have it. The event will be carried out the same way it is now, with the exception of one additional rule. Well, I’m not sure if it’s an additional rule or an additional allowance. Each team member is allowed one groin kick, deliverable to a member of the opposing team. There is no warning necessary, in fact, I’d advise the sneak attack. Athletes will be disqualified for wearing a cup.

Polar Bear Speed Skating. This event will include a hungry polar bear. Said polar bear will not be fed 2 weeks prior to the event. Speed skaters will compete as normal except that on lap 2 the hungry polar bear will be released. Skaters will be permitted one speed skate clown who will function as a rodeo clown…his job will be to distract the polar bear. I imagine that job will not be highly sought after. The beauty of this event is that one can “win” just by outskating their slowest competitor…they don’t have to be the fastest, they just have to be faster than one other person. Points will be deducted for going out of the assigned lane…and no points will be awarded if the Olympian is eaten. Extra points will be awarded for finishing the race after the polar bear chomps off an athletes arm.

Eye-Poke Ice Skating. This event will put the figure skating couples at each other’s…eyeballs. Each pair will be permitted to have one member enter the rink during the performance of the couple that skates after them. That team member will be allowed to deliver one eye-poke to a member of the couple that is currently skating. The eye-poker will not be permitted to wear skates, they will be sock footed, and they will be given a time limit of 45 seconds to deliver their eye-poke. The possible eye-pokees will be awarded points for evading the eye-poke and continuing with their program. The eye-pokers can earn extra points for…successfully poking their opponent in the eye. Extra extra points will be awarded to the eye-pokers, for strategically poking, if they poke the male in the eye during a lift.

Shot Put Snowboarding. Half pipe snowboarding just got trickier. The members of the Summer Olympics track and field team will be included in this event. The snowboarders will perform their event as normal, while the track and field Olympians throw the shot put at them. Snowboarders will be given a bag with 8 grapefruit in them that they can throw at the shot putters to throw them off balance. Points will be deducted for not completing the event due to a shot put injury. Extra points will be awarded for hitting a shot put thrower with a grapefruit…two points per hit.

And there you have it. If the Olympics Committee would take these suggestions into consideration they would have a greater chance at beating American Idol. Please note: The ideas for improving the Olympics that are shared on this website are the intellectual property of the blog owner, Courtney, and they are available for sale to the Olympics Committee at a price that can be negotiated according to my mood on any given day.